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Being truly Catholic in the 70's meant I was not going to acknowledge that I was having sex outside of marriage by obtaining birth-control. I knew it was wrong. So I told myself that it must be God's will that I am with this person, because I did not want to lose my faith and fall out of favor with God. Thus, I fell for one of Satan's little fancy side-stepping theories meant specifically for leading people like me head-long plunging into a life/death soul-rendering decision. For instance, if you get pregnant, it's okay, because you intend to marry anyway. Albeit a little misdirected, I desperately attempted to hang onto my faith, my innermost beliefs, and my God.
I thought about it all while standing alone in my Great Grandmother's bedroom one cold February night in 1979 gazing into the age-faded mirror. I knew I was pregnant. I just knew it. I wasn't married, but I had a job. I felt frightened, sick, disappointed in myself and worried all in an instant, that I had destroyed something that should have been momentous. Why "momentous?" I tossed and turned for days. Then, one night, I again stood in front of that mirror in Great Grandma's old, barely-furnished, cold bedroom gazing into the faded old mirror, and I thought of the white-jacketed abortion doctor, envisioned myself sneaking there all alone, lying down alone, and telling that lone someone to invade my own body and destroy what everyone knows is inside once you have sex. And then there would be the return home - alone - with my dark little soul-eroding secret.
Would I have an abortion to save my parents, aunts, uncles, and friends from needless anxiety? Would I do this for the sake of a better job, more money, new car, furs, clothes? What? I then thought about Great Grandma. She was not a movie star. She was not a wealthy person. But I loved her and my grandmother and my mother. And then I thought of all the billions of women who had gone before me. I thought of pioneers crossing the U.S. in the 17th century with no doctors and no help whatsoever. I was suddenly overwhelmed with the thought of the billions of women giving birth throughout the ages. I thought of all the love and life. I suddenly saw my world wasn't all about me. I asked myself, "who created the vast swirling black-hole theory that there is a perfect time to bring a child into this world?" Insidiously, it is put forth that it is far better to do away with part of one's self, your little existence, your part in the world, than to face some fearful shadowy alternative of a toil-laden existence at the hands of - a child???"
I thought "What if I die on the abortion table and there turns out to be a God?" What if I am standing before this grand creator of the universe - the author of me and the mothers before me - staring into God's great hurt face with my tiny unborn child? And, what if I abort and never get pregnant again? To live life without a child? To live this unbelievably short, short life without a child?? What would I do this for? I had never even gone to a gynecologist. If I had to go, I might as well suffer the poking and prodding and the expense and the same risk of death, but at least be able to face God or myself and know I erred on the side of righteousness. I'd rather remain in truth and good will. The fact was - I could have a child, and my husband and I could die in a car-crash the day after the child is born. We could suddenly be in a war or maybe even starve to death. But we would have been here to live and love and die together. Would abortionists then say the baby should have been aborted?
In an instant, I saw the preposterousness of the whole theory of abortion. I decided I would give my life totally over to Jesus Christ then and there while staring into that time-worn mirror. I gave up the costly flamboyant march down the aisle with admiring friends and relatives - the new car, fashionable clothes, etc. That $35,000 wedding would be money well spent on the new life I was bringing into the world. I began to see the outright lies Satan had people believing. You could spend $35,000 plus on a wedding, but hold off having a child until you could "afford it." Not to mention the fact that if I had an abortion, how would I have the nerve to stand before the face of God in a church, wearing white, and pledging "fidelity" to another human being!
Not for me. I married before God, simply. And then I gave myself, my family, my friends, and the world my son, Christopher, who is now an artist. He was born perfect, was never ill, never suffered any common childhood illnesses, and is my friend, my child, my only companion now that I am getting old. And, as God is my judge - I only wish that my husband had not gotten ill and died, because I would have had as many as I could just like my son. As far as monetary gain, I gained it all. God even sent me a babysitter from heaven, who turned out to be a second mother to my child and a best friend to me at a price that only God had set. Her name means hope in Spanish. I got everything I needed and more in this life. And I pray to God every day to thank Him from saving me from a terrible decision I almost made because of worldly doctrines and social pressure. I was totally alone. I never asked anyone's advice. I stayed quiet and I heard the voice of God inside myself. I believe it to this moment, and I thank Him every day that he protected me from my human weakness.
During this supposedly terrible crisis in my life, my own mother, who had given me faith when I was a child, suddenly lost hers and did an about-face. Fearing I'd never have that shot at a rich lawyer or doctor, she told me it was "not too late to obtain an abortion." Fortunately, God was working over-time on mom's behalf - and she got a grandson instead - because the night before I had already made my decision while staring into that time-worn mirror in her mother's mother's bedroom....
-- story submitted anonymously
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