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As I am typing this, I am tearing and my emotions are sad. I cannot tell anyone my situation, because I am so guilty. In a way I am telling God my sins...and I hope he will forgive me, and have mercy on me as I will live with this forever.
I have been selfish. I am. Being married is difficult. I wanted and have everything in my life right now. In the beginning, we spoke of having kids when the time was right. But, going on with the marriage was very tough. We split up after 4 years briefly. My emotions were confused, because my husband changed and felt that our life was a struggle, and it was too hard to make ends meet. He was not satisfied with my income and wanted me to work more hours.
I work in the medical field, not abortion but a place where we do all sorts of surgeries, young and old. It is very stressful. I work with surgeons. One horrific day, early in my career, I had to assist in a Miss AB 5months fetus had died in the mother. The doctor had to do a D&C with suction to take the baby out. I was only 21 at the time. I never seen a procedure and was curious. Noone wanted to assist, so I volunteered.
They offered me an opportunity to chose not to, but I did anyways. The fetus was nolonger alive, so I figured this was to help the mother. As the procedure commenced, my attitude was normal, and didn't think anything of it. I had to listen to the patient cry to sleep as she wept into anesthesia. The patient was prepped and the doctor began the procedure. First thing he said was, you don't have to look. I was not able to avoid this since the bucket was on the floor. Soon blood was dripping all over the bucket, some on my covered shoes. We had gowns and masks and head shields to protect us. My horror came when I saw parts of the baby come out as he scrapped the contents out. The fetus was a human! One piece at a time the parts came out, and so distinct. I saw a whole arm with tiny fingers, and thigh and leg, side of head, I was hyperventilating and the event was burned in my memory. I had no sensations after. The procedure finished and there was hardly any words spoken during and after. The surgeon wisked away to deliver babies. I was left to clean up the mess. The fetus was in the bucket. As I prepared to put the fetus contents into the specimen jars, I had high blood pressure and breathed hard.
Luckily the nurse took over and did the job. I closed my eyes as I left the de-con room and walked away praying for his lost soul/spirit. I swore, I would never have an abortion. Ever!!!!
Now, 33 I am mature and life is great. I had to take a break from my medical job, at age 29 which made my husband uneasy because money was tight. I tried several jobs but nothing was right for him. We separated when I was 31 for only a few months. Then, we got back together. There were so many reasons why we weren't getting along, money, how we were so different, styles of life and upbringing, so many reasons. We were physically hurting eachother several times. One time was too much, and I felt it wasn't sinking into him. What I was wasn't enough for him.
When I left him, I left my life behind. I needed to find myself. I lost alot of weight and became extrovert instead of hiding from co-workers and friends and family. I changed my whole outlook on life and did what I wanted to do. After finding my new found freedom and voice. I went back home, but it wasn't easy. He didn't want me back first time. But, I told him I would try to be more stronger and a wife he was looking for. He didn't like the change in me, but he learned to like it.
Children was far off, even though I am 33. The idea of it was not in my mind. From January to April, I was in persuit of my enterpeneur ideas, and back in my medical job part-time. My husband accepted my decision, which came after long arguing and constant comprimises.
I was in control of my career now. I've managed to let my life ease up and not let my job situation affect my personal life. I worked out my stresses. Along with my ulcer. Life was great, until late April.
In April, I noticed my physical changes. I began to glow. I noticed that my periods were irregular, and my breasts were aching. I suspected I was pregnant. So, I took several over the counter tests. One-reject, Two-fuzzy, Three-positive. I was not convinced until I took a real urine test. But my feelings were shocked. I thought I couldn't be I CAN'T! I was so selfish. I have changed, a baby right now is not the time! My life was just getting back in order. My marriage was finally on track! I looked great, and my new business looked fantastic! I was finally helping out! I CAN'T! I looked back and I had some alcohol, diet pills, worked alongside x-ray machines, my job was highly dangerous for blood borne diseases, and chemicals. I don't want a deformed baby!!! I WAS SO SELFISH!
My new job, was located under a family planning office. There were constant abortion protestors every week. My center was always confused with the office upstairs. We don't perform those procedures at my facility, and often got bomb threats. One day I decided to go upstairs on the advice of my co-worker who often refills her pills there.
I decided to get all the tests done. The urine test came out positive. I didn't want to tell my husband. I lied to him, and scheduled an abortion. What happened to me long ago, was blurred from my memory. I was convinced my pregnancy was going to end, and no attachment was made with the growing fetus in me. My thoughts were, okay this is not a human yet. I am only a few weeks along.
The day of abortion for me was grim...the skies were cloudy. I asked a friend to pick me up. The day was one week before my husband's birthday.
As, I walked into the office. There were several young women in the lobby waiting too. I was called into the counseling area and signed the papers of consent and told about the dangers of abortion initialing every sheet. Then, directed into the vitals and locker area. The nurse took my vitals and told to pick out a locker to change into my paper gown. I am the patient now, I was embarrassed. I kept praying inside for forgiveness. Please god forgive me. Please help this soul, my baby. I then separated my feelings again and took a deep breath as I changed into my paper gown. There was a long line of chairs, and the young women came in and out. Next, was me.
I entered the ultrasound room...I thought this was it!
Okay, I'm about to go through it. The nurse, was very rehersed and did "setup" very quickly. No time to conversate. I sat on the table next to the sonogram machine, this screens out the gestation of the fetus, exact date of weeks old. She asked me my last menustral period...I replied...about 6 weeks ago. Then I laid down as she prepped me for vaginal check and sonogram. I stressed over the cold gel then she glided over my tummy with the handpiece...in a few moments she was done. Her words were "Miss, you have to reschedule for another appointment...your in the 14th week of pregnancy. That requires a two day procedure" I WAS FLOORED!!! I WAS SHOCKED. NO IT HAS TO HAPPEN NOW!!! I was asked to go and dress up and go to the counseling room. 14 WEEKS, THAT'S 4 MONTHS PREGNANT!
Another nurse waited for me to advise me on the procedure and reschedule. She said, it was a two day procedure and that a suppository made of seaweed material, had to be place in the cervix to expand the cervix plug , that held the fetus in the womb...then the after that...I would have cramping. The next day would be the abortion, which I needed to be asleep. The nurse said, the fetus was too large for a routine abortion and would need this special procedure. Then, she left the room with my sonogram photos on the front of my folder. I saw the photos of my baby!
I sat there dazed and still resisting. I sat there dazed, and turning confused, but still listening to her voice as she returned. I sat there and listened to my voice make the appointment right before my husband's birthday. I sat there looking at my baby's photos. I then got my papers together and was going home to dread another week to wait.
As I drove home my friend called and asked why I didn't call for pickup. I told my friend that I couldn't do it today because I was too far off for a routine procedure. My friend, then let lose on feelings that was never shared. ABORTION is wrong! Your baby is a human! Don't do it! I am against it. The only reason is because you wanted me to help you. But, it's my chance to save that baby!!! I can't make you change your mind, but just think about it!
I went home and still in a daze...I talked to God...What is happening? Was this meant to be? I turned on the computer, and searched on abortion....the images tormented my eyes. I recalled back to my memories...I prayed to god that this child wasn't deformed or down syndrome with all I've done to my body. I had one week to think about it. On a thursday, I called up the abortion clinic and cancelled, to my surprise the nurse's voice was filled with joy...I was surprised, and asked for a copy of my sonogram photos for my records, unfortunately it had all the abortion information attached to it.
ABORTION: I couldn't go through with it. Some how some way I'll make this happen. Some how some way!!! I called up my health insurance to get prenatal care. I was going to tell my husband on his birthday.
I am in this situation, and I almost did the worst thing in my life. I was pro-choice! I know what those women are feeling. I understand the pain...I understand the resistance and the guilt and the remorse. But, after reading and viewing pictures of late term abortion, during my pregnancy, I had very distinct views on the issue. I am going to have a baby! A healthy baby!
My friend said...a baby is a blessing....a gift from god.
I told my husband on his birthday...I was afraid...and still full of guilt. I could never tell him what I was about to do...ever....please god please forgive me.
My husband was happy...and our lives now are soooo happy. He has changed to love me and the baby so lovingly! We found out we are having a boy! All the tests came out normal so far. So, please publish my story. I am asking for forgiveness in all the mistakes I've made. Accept me for my faults and have mercy on me. I pray for all the babies souls in the clinic where I was, and the future ones. Look over me and my little angel coming into my life.
My baby I love you. Please forgive mommy! I can't wait for you to enlighten my life! Thank-you god for this gift! I love you! Life is precious and a gift. A baby is part of you and yourself to experience life and to change it.