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ProLife Story 23

How to write this and let others who haven't chosen to go through this know how truly spiritually devastating it is. I've written this a couple of times and I just can't seem to express the horror that remembering conjurs up.

My baby would be 10 years old now had I not decided to murder him/her. I think of the birthday every November 1--the approximate day my child would have been born. I don't know if I was possessed or just insane when I decided to have the abortion. I was 38, married, and pregnant by the "other man." I'd just left my husband and my boyfriend helped pay for the abortion. I remember thinking how having the abortion was the most totally unselfish thing I'd ever done in my entire life. How mature and adult I was being to give up a child that surely I would have loved as much as my other 2 kids. I just can't believe it was me thinking that way. Amazing . . remembering the actual procedure and the pain . . not nearly as painful as when I finally came back to God and realized what I'd done.

I ended up marrying the man whose baby it was and the guilt and shame was unbearable. I was convinced I would go to hell when I died and I believed I deserved it and I had made peace with it. From the time I was a young girl I'd been drawn towards the Catholic Church but had never joined.

A few years after the abortion, I went through RCIA and at my first confession I told my priest about what I'd done. I absolutely dreaded it, but he told me he loved me as did God, and I was forgiven if I was truly sorry. Even then I was still doubtful because I felt that I was so undeserving, but as time has gone by I really do believe that I'm forgiven.

My husband has also joined the church now and we find so much comfort there. I know my little baby is in heaven, and I wonder if I'm fortunate enough to get there if I will have to face my little one. Maybe I'm not as far along as I thought I was, because thinking about facing the baby is almost more than I can bear.

I pray that abortion will end, and all of us who have gone through this will be able to help it end. God give us the strenth to help stop it. God be with us all.

-- submitted anonymously

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