Obviously if my faith was as it is now—I would not be sharing this with you all. Oddly enough if it wasn’t for my abortion I would not have the increased strength in my spirit as I do now. But what I have found is that God provides opportunity for spiritual growth for everyone. Even if I hadn’t gotten the abortion there would have been another opportunity for me to grow spiritually. Either way my spiritual growth was because of my baby. Whoever that spirit was inside me-changed me. Had I kept my baby I’m convinced that I still would have had my spiritual growth because of the challenges of parenting. It seems that I made my son or daughter a martyr of sorts.

God assigned and entrusted the care of a soul for me to nurture and I FAILED!

At the time of my pregnancy I was 24 and unmarried. I had just ended an abusive, non-spiritual relationship 2 weeks before I found out I was pregnant. I had only been in this relationship for 6 months. After our break-up he harassed my family with death threats, vandalism and he stalk me. At the time I lived with my mother and my 8 year-old sister.

This was a very traumatic time for us. He vandalized my mother’s car. We had to replace her tires every weekend. My mother and my sister had to walk miles to get home because she couldn’t park the car at home anymore.

With the stress of the situation my mother relieved her aggressions on me. She thought it was my fault that all this was happening because I shouldn’t have dated him. We had constant arguments everyday. EVERYDAY! My performance at work was in bad shape. My manager had to give me several warnings about my tardiness and absenteeism. There were days I couldn’t leave the house because my ex-boyfriend would be waiting for me outside my apartment building holding a knife.

When I told my friends about what was going on, all but 2 of them discontinued contact with me out of fear for their own safety and some laughed about it for what ever reasons. My sister, although she was only 8, tuned into my mothers bitterness towards me and began saying things to me that she heard my mother saying to me in the heat of an argument. My closest relatives lived 250 miles away. I felt so alone then.

At first I thought to keep the baby but I didn’t see how I could make it work. I couldn’t imagine how my mother would react to that if I had HIS baby. I couldn’t imagine having to have this man in my life FOREVER. He already had two children he didn’t take care of. How would my child turn out under his influences? How could I explain to the child the circumstances of his/her conception; and, why his/her mom and dad aren’t together? I had no more money because of replacing tires on my mother’s car every week and missing time from work. I felt at a loss. I couldn’t go to my mother for help because she was fed up with me. I had no friends who could or would help and no family close by.

I spoke to other women who had abortions before or who had children. One lady I spoke with had 5 abortions. She made it seem like it was no big deal. One of the nurses at the clinic I went to had 9. NINE!!! Women I spoke to who already had children made it sound so difficult and unrewarding to be a parent. All the people who I talked to never discouraged me from having an abortion. One lady actually chastised me for waiting so long. I was 3 months when I had my abortion.

One of the clinic counselors told me of other options as far as welfare, and other government agencies that would help financially; but there were waiting lists and so forth. But I just didn’t see any other way so I went through with it.

Until this day, that remains the WORST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!! I remember every disgusting detail. First the local anesthetic with a very long needle. And the sucking sound! The vacuum. I could hear chunks flowing through the vacuum tube and liquid gurgling into the vacuum compartment. But what made it all the worst is when I thought the doctor was finished and he said, “There is a little more left so I’ll have to go back in and get the rest…” I wanted to disappear off the planet. For some reason it never occurred to me that the baby would have to get ripped apart. To this day I still cry about what I did.

A person never gets over that. Babies are physically attached to its mother so it is painful, very, very painful when the fetus is ripped from you.

If you are contemplating an abortion consider other options. If you can’t afford the care of a baby right now consider adoption. It would be selfish to say you don’t want to consider adoption because it would be too difficult to give your baby up.

All it takes is faith the size of a mustard seed for God to work in your life. Please give the situation over to God. Yes that is easy for me to say in hindsight. That is the benefit of—I can see what you can’t, therefore what I say should be considered with some creditability.

During my dilemma I never once consulted a Christian or anybody with or of faith. In all honesty I think I only spoke with people who would encourage me to do it because I thought I wasn’t strong enough to bring a baby into my current situation.

Just please think if you are considering doing this. You may say, “I’ve made up my mind and I’m willing to live with the consequences.” That’s partly true. You will have to live with the decision of course but you will also die with it.

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